Nothing goes to plan

Seems to be the story of my life

With Rocco growing well after the bumpy start and adapting to our routine of mummy and daddy working, we felt like we were in a good place. We’d worked hard through the process of expressing to bottle feeding, the sleepless nights (although we didn’t have many of those to start with) the getting up and getting us all out of the house. We seemed to be doing well. I almost felt like I could ‘ Have it all’, which felt good, especially when I read so much about women not being able to. I did. Until..BAM!

There was a restructure at work and I was made redundant. Just 7 months after having my baby, having worked through my time off (my choice) and being back in the office for 3 months. That is was it. Thanks for your time. They actually said ‘you can have that maternity leave now, go shopping’ –  Inside I was SCREAMING. How dare they presume that’s what I wanted.

They say moving house, getting married and having a baby are the most stressful times in your life. I’d done all of those in the space of two years – this was way worse. Work was the only part of me that belonged to ME, and now it had been taken away. There was nothing in my life that was the same as it had been a year ago. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I went in to panic.

I hadn’t considered being a full time mum, I wasn’t sure I could do it, was I actually any good at it? I wasn’t sure that’s what I wanted, and no I don’t feel bad saying that. It’s just not for me and to be honest Rocco was going to be a only child so nursery was good for him. He loved it so I wasn’t about to up-route him from there.

I was now 44 years old unemployed, with a new baby feeling like I’d be pushed to the limit on every level and that I was destined to be covered in baby sick and watch CBeebies for ever more.

Was it really so wrong to want more? and I was now questioning; Can women really have it all?

(Written Feb 2016 playing catch up)

2 thoughts on “Nothing goes to plan”

  1. ourmaybebaby says:
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    When I told a friend of mine that is a stay at home mom that I was a little sad to have to go back to work she told me no matter what you choose to do you’ll always want some of the other. You’ll miss your baby if you work, you’ll miss the adult contact (and possibly your job) if you stay home. Losing your job really sucks (especially with the added expense of a child) but at least you’ll have a cute distraction while you look for a new one. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

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