The bits I missed out on

 

IMG_3745.jpg

Follow my Blog on Bloglovin

So I made the mistake of watching One Born Every Minute today, sometimes it has no effect on me at all, I must be tired because I cried and it wasn’t even a really emotional one.

The same happened when I was watching Sarra Hoy on the News last week promoting BLISS and seeing her prem little boy so fit and well, it just reminds me how lucky so many people are. I am grateful for the love and support we had in NICU and have been very vocal about it but today I had an overwhelming sense that I’d missed out. I haven’t felt like I have regressed back to Rocco’s arrival for a while.

I was taken into hospital just to be monitored and ended up having a C-Section, 18 hours later at 5am in the morning. I wasn’t aware that was going to be the outcome that day.

It wasn’t having a section that worries me but I’d imagined my sister sat outside waiting for news as I did with her. She wasn’t there so I wanted her to call her as soon as he’d arrived but I couldn’t as it was so early in the morning and she had a massive event that day (that I was meant to be at) so I felt she needed more sleep.

The calls Mr S made to tell our closest family of the new arrival were received with more shock than the normal conversation would have been, no one expected it. I hadn’t called anyone in the night to say I’d been moved to the delivery suite, the first Mr S knew was when he got the call to get back to the hospital. Part of me wishes I had now.

It wasn’t until today that I yearned for that moment straight after birth when in most cases you get to cuddle your baby, have everyone say how gorgeous he was and hold him close right away. In our photos we are all gowned up, Mr S has the little man and although I’m there in body I wasn’t really there! Both Rocco and Daddy were then whisked away to NICU. I totally understand that had to be done but I feel a bit deprived.

I do find it strange that I have these feelings today, we’re 2.5 years on, Rocco is a fit, he’s healthy (apart from his recurring winter cough which I am hoping he will grow out of) and he’s happy.

I was talking to someone about her maternity leave and she said coming home was lovely and settling in to home life 2 days after giving birth was great.  I spent a lot of time in NICU, I wasn’t home with my baby. I came home without the little man, I don’t remember struggling with it too much although my mum said she thinks I did. Maybe that’s why I regress.

I also don’t remember getting lots of ‘Baby’ cards until Rocco came home which I suppose is understandable but after the birth of a baby the house should be filled with joy and happiness. Ours was a little more subdued but full or relief that both he and I were going to be ok.

It really is strange how these memories come back to me and niggle at me from time to time. I can go months without thinking back to those times and usually when I do it’s a bit blurry and Mr S puts the pieces together for me, we look at some pictures, look at the crazy two year old running around the house and all is right with the world.

It was just the start of a journey, a blip that made us stronger together and we will be forever grateful. I shouldn’t feel deprived, I should feel thankful and not worry about those small bits I missed out on.

On that note I’m off to collect him from nursery and give him a great big squeeze. I’m very lucky that I can.

Let me S.P.E.L.L it out for you

IMG_9872.JPG

Our little man seems quite on the ball for a 2.5 year old, you can’t tell him we’re off on an adventure because he will want to do it right there and then. That could just be mummy’s impatience rubbing off on him actually.

As he’s getting more articulate and his memory is getting better, I’m more aware of what’s on the TV if he’s in the room – especially the News. I believe that there are things a little one just doesn’t need to see, we’ve no idea how much he’s taking in. I wasn’t sure when this would happen but knew it would at some point.

The funny side of him changing, listening and remembering has been entertaining.  If he over hears me talking on the phone and I mention the park, he immediately says “Park please mummy”. If I go to the freezer to get peas or ice cubes, Rocco will push me out of the way and reach for the lollies. If I call my mum on handsfree, Rocco will immediately say “can we visit Papa now please”.

We can’t mention holidays without Rocco requesting to watch the video on my phone of him on a plane last summer and asking when we’re next going on one. Good point actually son.

I’m finding myself more conscious of the conversations we have in front of him, there are just some things he doesn’t need to hear, although our adult conversations are all kid orientated these days anyway.

So I’ve taken to spelling key words out when I’m talking to Mr S, but for someone as clever as Mr S he just doesn’t get it!

For example Mr S will ask what we’re up to today.  I will spell out the words Park, Farm, Swimming etc and I’m not sure why I bother because as soon as I spell it, I can see Mr S spell it out in his head and then say it out loud!  The Rockstar hears it and is off to find his shoes and go on and on about it until we actually go out. Thanks Dad.

Rocco also has a thing about new stuff from shoes to toothpaste – he doesn’t like them, if he knows about them! I also don’t make a big deal out of new stuff to the little man, trouble is daddy does.

I bought Rocco a different toothpaste the other day but didn’t mention it, just popped it on the toothbrush and he cleaned his teeth. That night Mr S was getting him ready for bed and said ‘ Oh Rocco look you’ve got a new toothpaste’  to which the reply was “Nooooooo daddy I don’t like it”.

I had bought Rocco a new pillow and popped it in his cot (yep he’s still in the cot and I’m in no rush to move him) anyway new pillow in cot, Mr S puts him to bed and just before I can say ‘don’t mention the new P.I.L.L.O.W’  he says ‘Oh Rocco look at this lovely soft new pillow’. Then I hear the screaming “Noooo daddy I want my other pillow”.

Oh Daddy will you ever learn?

I wonder if it’s a mummy thing. Until recently my sister and I were still spelling words out in front of my niece, she’s now 7 and reminds me that she can spell now.

Maybe Mr S and I should start communicating by writing things down in future or maybe carry on as we are and our son will be a genius speller or at least Daddy may get the hang of it!

Right, I’m off to call the girls and organise a night out for a glass of W.I.N.E!

I want to talk about death

IMG_9716.jpg

Recently we seem to have been surrounded by death. We recently lost Mr S’ Grandad, he’d had a good innings at 91 but still a great loss, my dads brother passed away this week- I didn’t see him much but still a loss for my dad. A friend has been left devastated by the sudden death of his dad and then just this week a guy I have worked with who fought cancer for 6 years passed away leaving his wife and young son.

It’s the latter that has made me think long and hard about the need to lay out some plans incase death strikes our little family before it should. My friend knew what the outcome was going to be so I am sure as a family they had discussed it and their young son was aware of the invetatable but it still breaks my heart to think of a little family being torn apart and left to rebuild their unit. I don’t know whether the time to talk and prepare is better than it suddenly happening. I know I have the need to talk about death with Mr S but not with a 2 year old. He hasn’t asked about Great Grandad yet I’m not sure what we will say, I suspect he won’t ask for a few years yet, pictures of him suffice.

Mr S isn’t one for talking, let alone about dying. I need to know my wishes are in place, not just so I get what I want, after all I won’t know, but to make things easier for my family that are left behind.

I know of families that have fallen out over funeral plans, fallen out over the Will, I don’t want that, it’s just not needed. Mr S will have enough on his hands with the Rockstar and clearly grieving for his loss, without worrying about what happens next.

As an ‘organiser’ I want my funeral to run like clockwork, in fact I’ve already written the ‘event schedule’ for it! I’ve made suggestions on where the after party should be, food and drink. It’s what my friends would expect of me.

I haven’t got a huge amount of ‘special items’ but I’ve listed who should have what. I imagine the girls going through the wardrobe for coats and handbags whilst drinking fizz.

The next thing I want to do is get back to writing more emails for Rocco to read over the years. I have no intention of leaving him just yet and I hope I will still be around when he reads them but just in case something happens, I need to get back on top of that. I constantly fill his memory box of reminders of our adventures. I print off lots of pictures and pop them in little albums for him to flip through.

Mr S and I have talked briefly about what happens if we both die at the same time, who would have Rocco?  It’s an easy one for us when we have such close siblings whose morals and values are the same as ours, so it’s not actually something I really worry about. Once we decided that Rocco would be an only child I did panic somewhat about him being alone but that’s not a concern since we have talked about it.

Since we have been talking about death, Mr S has told me of a few things he would like at his funeral, I didn’t know these things, so talking has helped. It hasn’t felt morbid, yes it’s an awful thought and one I hope we don’t go through for some time but after the last few weeks you just don’t know.

I’ve downloaded some info on writing your own Will just so it is there in writing although for me it’s not about who gets what, it’s more about making sure people know how I feel about them.

If the last few weeks have taught me anything it’s taught me to talk more about what happens next, it’s not morbid, yes it’s a bit scary but it needs to be done. Find out what your loved ones want, work on that bucket list, call your mate you haven’t spoken to for a while, just spend some time doing fun stuff because life really is too short.

How would it ever work?

IMG_9669.JPG

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Yesterday was a game of two halves for me, a bit of a rollercoaster. I woke up early enough to have a decent length shower, wash my hair, dry it (shock) and put on a full face of makeup. All before the little man demanded breakfast. I got him off to nursery with a day planned that consisted of looking at a property, some last minute research, an informal conference call interview, a trip to the shops to buy some birthday gifts. So a productive day was planned.

I was a little nervous about the ‘informal interview’ it’s been a while and it’s for a weighty role in the big smoke. It’s for a company that has always been on my ‘ I’d love to work for them’ list. I’m feeling pretty good about it as they found me, so whichever way it goes I can be thankful that I still look like a good proposition on paper!

I drop the Rockstar at nursery, whizz home to pop some washing in and the phone goes – I see the name of the nursery pop up. Whenever this happens I always fear the worst – He’s been expelled at 2 and a half!

Chicken Pox has been all over nursery and although I have been quietly bragging that we’ve not caught it I knew our time was up. But WHY today! I got back in the car to collect him. I can cancel the property viewing but the interview with a poorly two year old in the  background, never gonna work. Worst still when I collected him he only has 3 spots and is full of beans.

I quickly call my mum and tell her we’re decamping at her house so she can entertain the boy whilst I pretend to be the professional I once was. Just as well they couldn’t see me from the waist down in my tracksuit! It went well and I hope it goes further.

Although one question that keeps cropping up ‘ How could it work? take days like today when Mr S has to go in to the office, I was the one that collected the little man. If we were both working full time as employees to someone else, how do you make this work. Which one takes the day off? what if there is no support around for someone else to collect the boy? (luckily for us this is a very unlikely situation)

So following my 40 mins of professionalism I went back to being mummy, full of cuddles and Bing. When nap time finally arrived I was back on my lap top trying to work out potential budgets and movements should this come off, a bit premature but may mean I do want to give it a go, if I get the chance.

Then an email pings in to my account from a local recruitment agency asking if I am looking for work. The role is reasonable enough, not as challenging as the Big Smoke one, probably wouldn’t offer me any career progression (Another question – at 46 should I still expect that?) and half the money but it is on the doorstep.

Yes it would be easier for the family but is that enough for me?

I didn’t think having a baby as late as I did would fill me with such emotion in every area of my life. The career bit has raised it’s ugly head a lot lately, most of the time I think I need it back in my life. I enjoy working for someone else, I’m good at what I do and if that means we have to make some changes as a family I’m happy to do so but the question is will Mr S and the Rockstar go with those changes.

Anyway I better go back to searching for a new work wardrobe and a little mid week apartment in London……in reality that was cuddle a spotty baby while convincing him he didn’t need his third lolly of the day. How will that ever work??!

 

Friendship Groups – where do you fit?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

 

 

IMG_3236 (1).jpg

I spent the evening with some girlie mates on Saturday, we’re a mixed bag which is why we compliment each other so well. We have one that will listen, one that gives an honest opinion, one that you can call from anywhere in the world and she will help, the list goes on but it’s comforting to know we all offer something different.

During a chat a friend of mine admitted she was upset that she’d be described as ‘the career one’.
1. Why was she upset to be described as that? It’s a fab compliment
2. Once upon a time it was me that would have been described that way

This made me ask – where do I fit now? I don’t need to be pigeon holed/ranked amongst the group but we  do have friends that have an obvious fit.

* The ‘Dater‘ who enjoys coasting not seeming to be rushing to make plans for the future. She’s out a lot and has a good social life.
* We have the ‘Mumsy‘ who has raised two kids on her own and done remarkably well but doesn’t want her girls to grow up so will staying mumsy of a while yet. We think its time she finds herself the gorgeous man and has fun. That said she is studying for a degree so once the kids are gone she can enhance her career.
* The ‘Fit One‘ the MILF of the gang. The less said about her the better!
* That ‘Career Girl‘ she’s worked hard and will be a Director soon, she doesn’t have a huge amount of luck on the man front, she’s a tad fussy! I also admire her skill in having different pockets of mates that enhance her social life to the point of over doing it sometimes. She likes to keep everyone happy, while maintaining a really good job.
* Then me – I used to be the career one, working hard and playing hard. I moved to the Big Smoke and had a fab working life but craved a personal life too so came back to the mighty West Country to gain some control. I met and married Mr S and had a baby all within 2 years.
For a while I was the ‘One that had it all‘ a family and great job. I practically worked through maternity and went back to work after 5 months, so I guess I did have it all. Then circumstances changed I was made redundant and I become the ‘stay at home mum with a bit of freelance thrown in‘. I’m not sure that’s where I want to sit.
On a personal level I am the one that organises the fun stuff we do as a group, the one that instigates us getting together, sometimes I’m not sure why I bother as everyone is always busy, which just cements my place in the group as the stay at home mum with time on her hands, I wish the latter was true.

I have another set of friends ‘The Witches‘ I’ve been friends with them a long time, we’ve always worked but I couldn’t bring myself to call this set the ‘working girls!’.  We get together for a good old gossip but recently I’ve felt a little out of the loop. They all have older kids now and all work full time.
Our kids aren’t going through the same thing – mines in nappies, they are looking at Senior Schools and Unis. We did have work in common for a long time but that’s out of the equation at the moment for me, so I found myself bailing out of meeting them for dinner. I didn’t feel I had anything to bring to the table.

I try to think about the times when they were going through potty training and school runs and I was on a beach in Barbados or schmoozing with Johnny Depp. Right now I don’t have anything exciting to add so I step away. Don’t get me wrong I love hearing about their work and families, I love them all dearly but I guess part of me is a bit jealous.

I want to be a bit of everything – that mum that cooks and cleans, works full time and looks amazing. Not sure that is even possible, there always has to be a compromise.

The Career girl works hard and doesn’t put the time in to meet the man of her dreams has probably chosen her path (I envied her as she could go home to lay on the sofa nursing her hangover), the mumsy works hard enough to get by with her priority being her kids, the mates that have older kids and work full-time – they do this to sustain the lives they lead. All of which are commendable in their own way.

I’ve realised I need to stop looking for a label and enjoy this time. We survive financially, still have great holidays, the little man goes to nursery a few days a week so I can work and still have some amazing adventures with him. I may not be that career girl anymore with an amazing wardrobe and I’m certainly not that full on bake at home mum, I hope I fit somewhere in-between and am there for any of my crazy friends if they need me.

That’ll do for me. For now.

Get those Trainers on

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

 

IMG_7179.jpg

This week I have started a new journey to ‘Get healthy’. I have had enough time feeling sorry for myself, watching my body shape change in the wrong direction, questioning whether it would be this shape if I hadn’t got pregnant at 44 years old.

I’ve gone through phases in my life of getting fit; embarking on residential Boot camps which are the best fix for me. I return home rejuvenated ready to keep the weight off and I have. Twice! But they aren’t cheap.

In my past life I have been a member of a gym and attended at least 3 classes in a week so I know I can do it. But my life has changed now. I have a 2 year old and a husband. When the boy is at nursery I have work to do or look for, a house to tidy, shopping to buy, washing to do and an episode of Billions to catch up on.

I am mad at myself for not using the time I have had whilst looking after the baby and freelancing to actually get the baby weight gone and get fit. What a waste of time. So now I am embarking on the task in hand.

My sister is a great motivator and is steering me in the right direction, along with a fab Whats App group of mates, some of whom are in my position, others are a size 8 or 14 and happy with that.

I’ve read up on lots of protein powders and have decided on Herbal Life as my first try. I am not organised enough to work on a points system diet, I want to be able to eat the same food with my husband at night although a smaller portion.
It wasn’t too expensive and actually tastes nice.

The powder is mixed with milk and you can take it for once or twice a day. I’m opting for twice where I can, mixing the Vanilla powder with banana, strawberry or coffee. Not sure coffee is the suggested option but it was yummy. It’s hard not to pick when you’re making lunch for the little man but it’s not proving as hard as I thought.

I’m a bit hung up on not earning as much money as I used to, so I’m not rushing to fork out for gym membership, so I’ve dug out those Davina DVD’s and found some exercise workouts on Amazon Prime. I am determined to work out on the 2 days the little man is at nursery and I have dug out my tap shoes and enrolled on a tap class. Toying with Barre Ballet but until I can’t even see my toes let alone touch them so that may have to wait!

This new challenge isn’t about getting a ‘insta ready’ body, it’s to feel comfortable in my skin, in my clothes and with myself, oh and maybe with the hubby.

I need to be fit and healthy for my son. I’m an older mum and have a tendency to worry about how old I will be when he needs me for the emotional and physical times in his life, I want to be able to carry those boxes in to his first home, I don’t want to be a burden on him if I get sick because I didn’t take care of myself.

Until then it’d be good to be able to chase him in the park when he runs away, without feeling like I need a hit of oxygen.

Bring it on.

If I could turn back time

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

IMG_9577.JPG

I don’t mean I want to forget about that guy I once dated or that job I hated, although there’s been a few of those. I’m talking about my life just 4 years ago.

Please don’t get me wrong I love Mr S and the Rockstar but some days, usually when I’m sleep deprived or searching for work, I do find myself thinking about my life before them. More often or not imagining my life with just Mr S.

We didn’t have much time as a two, we were pretty swift in becoming three and I don’t regret that for a minute. At my age it was a gift, which is why I feel guilty having these thoughts of my life before them.

I find myself thinking about how I’d plan my weekend after a really busy week at work, where I’ve only eaten bar snacks with drinks after work, hit the gym a few times and attended more meetings that I care to mention. My weekend would consist of a lie in, breakfast out reading the papers, shopping for an outfit to wear out with the girls followed by a lazy Sunday and a roast in a fab gastro or an afternoon in front of the TV. Yes, I admit it I miss those days.

We were looking for a holiday last week for the 3 of us and we’re lucky enough that Rockstar is at an age where we don’t have to go to ‘kidtastic’ so we can still stay in a reasonably grownup hotel, but we do have to think about the flight time. I would love to jet off to Thailand and reminisce over the holiday where I met Mr S or suggest we fly to my favourite family holiday destination of Barbados but things have changed. Maybe Vegas for the weekend or just a weekend at The Pig.

If we didn’t have the Rockstar then Mr S and I could jet off, he’d take some encouragement to be spontaneous but he’d go with it – we’d be living the DINKY life (Double Income No Kids Yet).

I had to take the car to the garage this morning during rush hour, I sat in traffic imagining myself driving to the office for a full days work, sitting at a desk, drinking hot coffee, being challenged and creative. I miss that. I guess I am still adapting to my challenges, the 2 year old gives you many, not working full time takes away you’re independents. I constantly question ‘ who am I now?’.

I’ve got a few girls nights and lunches in the diary over the next month – outings are a bit like buses, you have none for ages then they all come at once. I feel bad about leaving Mr S with the boy but I think I need it.

This Friday went to a talk with Giovanna Fletcher – you know that fab couple (she’s married to Tom Fletcher) who seem to have it sussed holding down two very successful careers and two kids. I went on my own which I was looking forward too, to just sit and listen to someone else talk about life experiences and feelings.

On Saturday I had a sleep over at my sisters, no kids and going out out! I’d rather we were cashing in those Virgin Atlantic miles I have stored up from my days of far away holidays and we were jetting off on a little weekend away with her somewhere sunny. Maybe next month if I can convince Mr S!

Is it wrong that I crave being at an airport? sat at the bar having a drink and a magazine that I know I will get to read from cover to cover, not worrying about whether we have enough toys to entertain the boy on the flight and being anxious about him screaming for 4 hours.

Is it wrong I crave to lay in the bath? with a glass of wine not listening out for the little man to wake or to organise more than 1 night away for some sight seeing and wine drinking.

Just to sit on the sofa and watch some crap tv WITHOUT the guilt would be great!

I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life, a great husband, a gorgeous child and a lovely home, in fact my gorgeous boy has just woken up and told me he loves me. One day he will be grown up so I will be free to do the things I occassionaly crave but as an older parent I will be so much older so will it even be possible.

So for now I will I just let myself be transported back and allow myself a sliding door moment.