Being cruel is horrid. Falling out with a friend is horrid. Divorce or separation is horrid. End of. Whether it was your choice, whether the choice is made for you or whether you’ve made it together. It is rubbish.
I’ve only been thinking about this recently as a friend of mine has a Divorce and Separation Coaching business. Not something I have needed but I can imagine it would be helpful to some. Going through a break up can leave wounds that take a long time to heal. We’ve all had a break up and whether it was on our terms or not, it takes time. Time we sometimes don’t have as life goes on, kids need routine, work needs doing.
Maybe you are on the path of divorce that started pretty well considering. Everyone was in awe of the way things were being handled. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure it’s been traumatic for one of them, maybe both but if there are children involved, keeping it amicable should be key. However, things change, words are said that just can’t be taken back, maybe guilt turned to anger. It all seems so unnecessary but all you can do is sit, watch, listen and comfort. Something I find very hard when I see a friend hurting.
As I have got older, I have held my tongue in many situations – the day the consultant questioned whether my baby was IVF as he saw my age, the day I was made redundant after working most of my maternity leave and returning to work after 4 months, when my toddler is pushing me to the limit – yes those sorts of times!
Now, I have a sharp tongue when needed but I still find it hard to understand how some people can be so cruel with their words and their actions towards someone they once loved. As much as you want to deny it, there was love and affection there once, there are children that were a product of that love.
A child’s early years are hard enough as it is and we see lots of campaigns for ‘Being Kind’ and we tell our kids to be nice, play nicely, speak nicely, maybe we should practice what we preach. When children are involved, in most cases, you will always be tied to your ex in some shape or form so surely making things easier for the kids is the best thing.
Something awful has happened to a family but it’s done, people move on – some quicker than others, but we should all be mindful of how others are feeling. A child has a mind that works in different ways to a grown up, they handle situations differently, they do forget or so we hope.
I have another friend who went through a divorce and although it was her suggestion it was still really tough on her. It was a massive decision for her, she was married and lonely and thought what was the point in that? She’d rather be alone and lonely but was that what she really wanted. I think deep down she was hoping he would fight for her, he didn’t. He loved her and wanted her to be happy or maybe he just didn’t care that much. I guess that was a risk she took. It paid off they are now blissfuly happy in new relationships.
The difference here is that there were no children involved so it was a clean break up they didn’t come from the same town and literally broke up and had very little, if any contact from then on.
Having something to show for that marriage may have made it all feel worth it, a product of that relationship. But having that proof of those years together also means there is a tie to that person whom you no longer love or loves you. I’d imagine that can be really tough.
I often say to Mr S if we ever broke up this is how I want it to be and reel off a list of things we would and wouldn’t do. As if it would ever work like that!
We have no idea how we would feel or would act but I truly hope I would try and accept the situation, whatever that may be and stay friends with Mr S. I love him, I imagine I would want him in my life always because of our son but things change. I find myself imagining I would be friends to the new Mrs S – who am I kidding!
I do know of a family that after a few years did all become friends and shared Christmas together, for the sake of the kids but I think they also enjoyed each others company, to a point. Maybe that’s what I’d aspire to. That old cliche – there is light at the end of the tunnel, is true.
I guess my point today isn’t just about divorce or separation, it’s about all manner of situations – find that middle ground, work at what’s important and remember there was love there once and we all know life is so much easier when we are all being nice.
Note; I know that no one is nice all the time, just make it count when you are.
When a littler person comes close to Rocco at the soft play I say ‘Be Nice’ when he lashes out at his cousin ‘Be Nice’ , when the dog is just wanting to nap and he’s climbing all over him I say ‘ Be Nice’.
Maybe as adults we should practice what we preach.
#Rant – this does feel more like a rant. Sorry Not Sorry!