If I could turn back time

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I don’t mean I want to forget about that guy I once dated or that job I hated, although there’s been a few of those. I’m talking about my life just 4 years ago.

Please don’t get me wrong I love Mr S and the Rockstar but some days, usually when I’m sleep deprived or searching for work, I do find myself thinking about my life before them. More often or not imagining my life with just Mr S.

We didn’t have much time as a two, we were pretty swift in becoming three and I don’t regret that for a minute. At my age it was a gift, which is why I feel guilty having these thoughts of my life before them.

I find myself thinking about how I’d plan my weekend after a really busy week at work, where I’ve only eaten bar snacks with drinks after work, hit the gym a few times and attended more meetings that I care to mention. My weekend would consist of a lie in, breakfast out reading the papers, shopping for an outfit to wear out with the girls followed by a lazy Sunday and a roast in a fab gastro or an afternoon in front of the TV. Yes, I admit it I miss those days.

We were looking for a holiday last week for the 3 of us and we’re lucky enough that Rockstar is at an age where we don’t have to go to ‘kidtastic’ so we can still stay in a reasonably grownup hotel, but we do have to think about the flight time. I would love to jet off to Thailand and reminisce over the holiday where I met Mr S or suggest we fly to my favourite family holiday destination of Barbados but things have changed. Maybe Vegas for the weekend or just a weekend at The Pig.

If we didn’t have the Rockstar then Mr S and I could jet off, he’d take some encouragement to be spontaneous but he’d go with it – we’d be living the DINKY life (Double Income No Kids Yet).

I had to take the car to the garage this morning during rush hour, I sat in traffic imagining myself driving to the office for a full days work, sitting at a desk, drinking hot coffee, being challenged and creative. I miss that. I guess I am still adapting to my challenges, the 2 year old gives you many, not working full time takes away you’re independents. I constantly question ‘ who am I now?’.

I’ve got a few girls nights and lunches in the diary over the next month – outings are a bit like buses, you have none for ages then they all come at once. I feel bad about leaving Mr S with the boy but I think I need it.

This Friday went to a talk with Giovanna Fletcher – you know that fab couple (she’s married to Tom Fletcher) who seem to have it sussed holding down two very successful careers and two kids. I went on my own which I was looking forward too, to just sit and listen to someone else talk about life experiences and feelings.

On Saturday I had a sleep over at my sisters, no kids and going out out! I’d rather we were cashing in those Virgin Atlantic miles I have stored up from my days of far away holidays and we were jetting off on a little weekend away with her somewhere sunny. Maybe next month if I can convince Mr S!

Is it wrong that I crave being at an airport? sat at the bar having a drink and a magazine that I know I will get to read from cover to cover, not worrying about whether we have enough toys to entertain the boy on the flight and being anxious about him screaming for 4 hours.

Is it wrong I crave to lay in the bath? with a glass of wine not listening out for the little man to wake or to organise more than 1 night away for some sight seeing and wine drinking.

Just to sit on the sofa and watch some crap tv WITHOUT the guilt would be great!

I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life, a great husband, a gorgeous child and a lovely home, in fact my gorgeous boy has just woken up and told me he loves me. One day he will be grown up so I will be free to do the things I occassionaly crave but as an older parent I will be so much older so will it even be possible.

So for now I will I just let myself be transported back and allow myself a sliding door moment.






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