So the little man is 2 today and has recently been letting us know he’s a determined, strong willed kind of guy! I know there were babies more poorly in Nicu when we were there but our two weeks there was still tough for us and him. I remember him being delivered, getting a quick glimpse and him being rushed off. Daddy went with him. I knew it was the best thing but still hard. I didn’t see my son until much later in the evening, in fact most of the family had seen him before I was well enough to visit and then only got to push my hands through the holes in the incubator for ten mins before I was sent back to bed as I wasn’t well.
Fast fwd two years to last night where Rocco was his usual self at 1am – screaming out for Mummy ( he alternates between the two of us) crying for a cuddle, or ‘hand,hand’. I lay in bed as I have done for many nights willing him to go back to sleep when I am suddenly taken back to that day of becoming a mummy and not seeing or holding my baby. Sod the controlled crying and willpower tonight. I go into his room, he holds his arms out to me and I lift him out and hold him tighter than I have ever held him.
Within minutes he is asleep in my arms, his hand on my chest and his head nestled in. I remember his tiny hand being so small, as I grasped his fingers, now he is on my lap filling it, with his legs cuddled in tight. Tears roll down my face, I’m exhausted but tonight I don’t care. I lift him back into the cot, I’ve held him way longer than I needed too.
As I lay him down he opens his eyes and says ‘ mummy hand’ and pokes his hand through the cot bars. More silent tears as I sit on the floor holding his much larger but still as precious hand through the bars.
Matt comes in to send me back to bed and I am in tears, he thinks my patience is wearing thin but actually my tears are of gratefulness and thanks. My patience is being tested too though!!
I rarely think back to the start of our journey, more so around his birthday but I realise how lucky I was to have great doctors to care for me and for him. It also makes me understand that time is precious, so if he continues this run of waking in the night I will try and remember those first 2 weeks I wished he was at home keeping me awake instead of us being apart.
That’s not to say I’m not desperate for him to sleep through again so I can too but this week, I’ll take every cuddle I get, whatever the time.